Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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