it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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