I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
