i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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