She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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