Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Do you still have your period?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
