I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
