you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
