Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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