Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
