i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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