Someone shit on the floor
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
