accomplished twins. life is a go
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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