toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
