It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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