If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
