I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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