he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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