I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
