She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
