I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
