My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
