she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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