We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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