even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
