Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
