Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
