Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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