Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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