I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
