I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize