The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
