It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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