The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
