im drinking this country out of the recession.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
