you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
