If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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