I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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