I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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