As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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