how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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