so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
