mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
