he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
