Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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