The maid of honor just puked.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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