Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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