so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
