I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
