Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
