There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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