he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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