my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
