Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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