I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
