I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Duck Duck Cougar?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
