if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
