he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
