Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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