Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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